Begynner med denne jeg, vet ikke om den er postet før men
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.
I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached <spider.gif>



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th.
David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding.
We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached <spider2.gif>

fin den der

Hehe....konge

Enda en ifra david:)



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.



From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Can't wait, see you tonight.

Regards, David.

Så en video ifra blue collar comedy bill engvall.
KLIKK meg for video

Og hvis dere ikke har sett blue collar comedy tour så er de dvd'ene ett must.
Redneck humor på sitt beste, hvis noen stiller med lerret og plass så stiller jeg med dvd'ene:)

fy faen! lo så jeg grein! kompissn min trudde jeg var stein! pessbra robrolf!

Kjerringa: Æsj.. fy faen. Du vasket deg ikke på henda etter du tissa.
Gubben: Jammen, jeg tissa da ikke på finga mine.
Kjerringa: Du TOK på den, gjorde du ikke?
Gubben: Er den så møkkete da?
Kjerringa: Fullt av bakterier og andre uhumskheter.
Gubben: Jammen.... vis den er så jævla full av bakterier og drit.. hvorfor suger du på den da?

Hun legger på disken i butikken :

1 såpestykke
1 tannbørste
1 tube tannpasta
1 brød
1 liter melk
1 eple
1 banan
1 appelsin
1 plomme
1 fersken
1 grapefrukt
1 tomat
1 liter juice
1 glass syltetøy
1 bakt potet
1 kringle
1 pakke smør
1 rundstykke
1 müslibar
1 l/4 kg kaffe
1 frossen ferdig middag
1 Grandiosa



Mannen i kassen kikker på henne og sier smilende:
"Single, hva?"

Jenta smiler beskjedent tilbake og svarer:
"Hvordan kunne du gjette det?"


Han svarer:
"Fordi du er dritstygg "


I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!
Selv om det virker som jeg har en sær humor hehe

Aktuell?

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

En liten gutt ønsket seg virkelig 1000 kroner, og ba til Gud i ukevis, uten at noe skjedde. Til slutt valgte han å skrive et brev til Gud for å be om 1000 kroner.

Postvesenet mottok brevet, som var adressert til "Gud, Oslo", og besluttet å videresende det til statsminister Jens Stoltenberg.

Statsministeren moret seg virkelig over brevet, og videresendte det til Kristin Halvorsen med beskjed om å sende gutten penger. Kristin Halvorsen synes 1000 kroner var i meste laget for en liten gutt, så hun sendte 100 kroner.

Den lille gutten jublet da han fikk pengene, og han satte seg ned og skrev et takkebrev til Gud: "Kjære Gud, tusen takk for pengene du sendte meg.

Jeg har forresten merket meg at du sendte det via regjeringen, og de rasshøla trakk 90 prosent i skatt!"

A Mother and her very young son were flying SAS from Oslo to Copenhagen.The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because SAS always pulls out on time.

Have your Mom explain that to you.

From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 09.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS

Hello David,
Thankyou for your recent online enquiry regarding pricing of BMW Motorcycles. The R 1200 GS has a list price of $25,470. Please note that this excludes Dealer delivery and ORC and is GST inclusive. I welcome you to contact me personally to arrange a test ride at a time that would suit you.
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.03am
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS

Dear Peter,

Thankyou for responding to the online request I filled out several months ago and your kind offer to allow me to test ride the product before paying what is essentially five times the value of my car. I hope I get a full tank of petrol with that. I have read that women like guys that ride motorcycles though so I am sure it is worth every cent. If you could confirm for me that the model is available in desert yellow I would be very interested in arranging that test ride.

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS colours available

Hello David,
Yes, the R 1200 GS is available in yellow. We have a yellow demo model on the showroom floor at the moment if you would like to come in to view and arrange a test ride at that time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.48am
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Dear Peter,

A friend has just informed me that bees are attracted to yellow vehicles. Apparently a few years back he purchased a bright yellow convertible and was unable to drive it with the top down due to constantly being surrounded by bees. Do you know if this true as I am allergic to bees and the last thing I want is to be stung while I am doing 240kph on the freeway during the test ride.

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Hello David,
You would be required to follow state speed restrictions of 100kph on the Eastern Freeway during the test ride and would reccomend lower speeds than that until you have familiarised yourself with the bike. We would generally not expect people to take the demo bike on the freeway but we can discuss when you come in. I have never heard that about yellow vehicles and would assume it is not true. The R 1200 GS is available in granite, black and red in addition to the yellow.
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 02.50pm
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Dear Peter,

Yes but I only like the yellow one. I have been researching bees on the internet for the last four hours at work. When I type 'do bees like yellow' into google, it says that there are 2,960,000 results so it will take me a while to look at all of those pages. On one of the pages I have been to it stated that Qantas, the Australian red and white passenger aircraft company, "used to have a yellow kangaroo as their logo but when painted on the tail fin would attract nests of bees which was a safety hazard therfore the logo was changed to red in the mid fifties". This would seem to support the argument that bees are indeed attracted to yellow and contradicts what you have told me. According to one page though, bees are also technically unable to fly due to their wings being too small for their body weight but I have seen them do it so this can't be true. Regardless, I do not think having to dodge bees in addition to the already present dangers of learning to ride a motorbike for the first time would be very safe. I will continue my research and confirm that this would not be a factor before I arrange the test ride.

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 03.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

When you say you are learning to ride a motorcycle, do you hold a current full motorcycle license?
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 03.40pm
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Dear Peter,

No, but how hard can it be? They are just pushbikes with engines and I have been riding pushbikes since I was five. When I was just a young apprentice designer, I would have to ride my pushbike forty kilometres every day for three years to collect the co-workers lunch orders from McDonalds® - balancing the bags on my handlebars because I could not afford a basket. I think that fully qualifies me for something. I actually hate McDonalds® as it seems, on average, every third time I go through the drive through, they forget to add something. I am thinking of sending them an invoice for the undelivered products going back several years. Also the girls who work there are too attractive. This means that if I want something from my local McDonalds®, I have to shower, shave and wear something nice before I can get a simple snack. As it takes me at least two hours to do my hair, I am practically starving by this time and therefore order twice as much food as usual. Ordering more food increases the chance of them leaving something out. Last night it was an apple pie and that is really the only thing I like from there. It is quite obvious to me that they do this on purpose. Once, I ordered two big macs, minus the beef, large fries and an apple pie. When I got home and opened the bag, there were two happy meals in there. The toy was two of the same Kim Possible figurines which worked out ok as I gave one to my son and kept one myself because for a cartoon character, you have to admit that Kim Possible is pretty hot. I also have a thing for Lois from the television series Family Guy so I must have a penchant for cartoon redheads which is vaguely puzzling to me as I cannot stand redheads in real life.

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 04.28pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS test ride

Dear David,
I apologise but we will be unable to organise a test ride for you at this time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner

From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 7.42pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Rove

Fuck you retard wydont you shut up! he dident ask for his gilrfriend to die so use your brain to work out how you would feel and just fucken shutup!


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8.04pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Rove

Thankyou for your recommendation Dick, I am currently writing a television script that I think you would be perfect for, it features a genius of superior wit and intellect who uses his uncanny abilities to protect the innocent. Aided by his loyal pet, masturbating monkey, he endeavors to right wrongs and solve crimes. At the end of each episode he will leave us with a profound, thought provoking and politically correct statement such as "don't leave your pet in the car with the windows up" or "fuck you retard wydont you shut up". An important part of the character development as I see it, would be the developing relationship between yourself and masturbating monkey. The show will be titled 'Monkey Dick' (a combination of private dick and the pet monkey, similar to 'canine cop') and I do hope you will make yourself available for this opportunity.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8.17pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Rove

Fuck you coksucker you should be ashamed of what you wrote that was wrong ad you know it How wud you feel if you were rove? why dont you fuck off.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8.42pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Rove

You're correct Dick, my statements were uncalled for and unquantifiable in any manner. I apologise without reserve and ask for nothing but your understanding. I hope, in time, you can come to forgive me for such contemptible statements. If I could retract my statements I would but I do not have a time machine. I wish that I did have a time machine, I would take my Macbook Pro back to 1984 and visit Steve Jobs. After selling my laptop to him for millions I would return to the present. I could do this several times as each time the present technologies would have changed. It is a flawless plan, I am sure you will agree, lacking only the availability of time/dimension manipulation technologies.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 9.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rove

That didnt even make any sense. why dont you stop wasting your time and get a girlfriend!


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 9.06pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rove

Thankyou for the excellent suggestion Dick, I contacted your wife and we are now seeing eachother.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 9.17pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: fuck off

youve obviously got no firends!


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 9.28pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: fuck off

You got me Dick. You are correct, I have no friends. I am lonely and sad. I am currently sitting in a cave by myself, sustaining myself on beetles, powering my laptop by an ingenious array of pulleys and flywheels constructed from small lizards and tree sap from the local flora. I came here to escape my family, friends, industry associates, acquaintances and the lady next door who was spying on me, in the hope of completing my novel titled "why are there so many dickheads messaging me?" I have made the dedication out to you Dick and will endeavor to send you a copy once it goes to print.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Wednesday 7 Nov 2007 10.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: fuck off

Your a moron muthufuka!!!!


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 7 Nov 2007 11.52am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

Well done Dick, that sentence included a word containing more than three syllables - I am assuming muthafucka to be one word in your dimension. As I mentioned, I am currently writing a novel and would be honored if you would concede to being the editor. I realise that you must be in great demand, with a long list of literary achievements and I am less than worthy of your mastery in this area, but an opportunity such as this could simply not be passed by. I will attach the manuscript and look forward to your positive response.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Wednesday 7 Nov 2007 2.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

youve got mental problems wanker and dont call me dick. your the dickhead!


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 7 Nov 2007 2.44pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

Dear Dr Dick,
Thankyou for that in-depth psychoanalysis which is so accurate as to be uncanny. As your professional diagnosis has clearly outlined, I do indeed have mental problems. It is a degenerative disease that causes a small part of my brain to die every time I recieve a message from the kind of person that collects star trek dvds and listens to Jimmy Barnes (yes, I read your profile). Little more can be done except to write a letter to your university, in particular your psychology and psychiatry lecturers, congratulating them on producing such an amazing pool of talent.
Best, David



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Wednesday 7 Nov 2007 2.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

fuck you whats wrong with Star Trek? your a wanker


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 7 Nov 2007 3.19pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

Nothing is wrong with Star Trek Dick, I enjoy science theory myself and some of the episodes were not completely embarrassing. I was tempted to write something derogatory and perhaps even draw attention to the fact that the only time in any of your emails you have used correct spelling, grammer, punctuation or capitalisation is when your wrote the name 'Star Trek', but I was fearful that your army of Klingon warriors might attack and shoot colourful laser rays at me, causing me to have to land on a planet inhabited by aliens who speak english and look exactly like humans apart from ripples on their nose while I perform plasma warp drive repairs.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 Nov 2007 9.27am
To: David Thorne
Subject: your a wanker

You must be fat and sad and ugly!


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 8 Nov 2007 4.11pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: your a wanker

Thankyou Dick, I am touched by your concern for my health, happiness and social acceptance. I actually am not fat and would usually be described as a bit too skinny. I have been contemplating reverse liposuction, a technique where they basically transfer liquified body fat from one patient to another. Having looked on your profile and seen your photo, I was hoping we could help each other out here - I figure some of the fat from just one of your cheeks could help add many kilograms to my current body weight. I realise this would leave you a tad lopsided so if we take the fat from your other cheek we could sell it to the japanese. This commercial venture would effectively pay for the initial operation and save several whales in the process. I think you will have to agree this is a socially responsible course of action.

In regards to being sad, aren't we all from time to time? As I am sitting writing this on my laptop in bed while my girlfriend watches 'Family Guy' on the 52" plasma screen in her underwear, I cant help but think how much happier I would be if she was Brooke Satchwell, was wearing latex and we were in Bora Bora so i guess happiness being relative and on a comparative scale, you are correct.

As for being ugly, I am actually extremely attractive, with god like features and the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model, due to being born with what is termed the 'drop dead gorgeous gene' but I cant help feeling life would be much easier if I was indeed ugly. Hows it working out for you?



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 Nov 2007 4.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: your a wanker

You think you are fucking clever. I am a primary teacher and the kids in my class write better than you moron! kiss my arse.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 8 Nov 2007 4.29pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Now I am actually horrified. My son is in primary school and I had the assumption that the adults I leave him in the care of would generally have a higher level of education than his. Just out of interest, can I ask if you have ever had sex with one of your students?



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 Nov 2007 4.37pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

I teach 3rd grade deadshit


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 8 Nov 2007 4.46pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

My question still stands.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 Nov 2007 4.58pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Suck my cock fuckhead


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Nov 2007 6.03pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Thankyou Dick, I will take your offer of oral sex as a peace offering but will have to decline. While I appreciate the gesture, I am very much straight. I am flattered and even a little curious but feel it would be better if we refrained from giving in to desire at this stage of our relationship and besides, I would not want to risk doing anything that may damage our friendship - of which I have come to value very much.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Friday 9 Nov 2007 11.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

what? your an idiot im not gonna compete with an idiot anymore. burn in hell wanker not writing any more to you!


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 10 Nov 2007 1.07pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Compete? I wouldn't attempt such a foolhardy excersise such as competing with a mental giant as yourself. I am possibly the least competitive person I know and am in fact the current national loser in the 'Who is Least Competitive Championships' where trying to win will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Saturday 10 Nov 2007 4.40pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Fucken loser

Yeah your right you do lose. That was the biggest heap of shit i have eva readwhat was that even suposed to mean? dont emai me back you are an idiot.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 11 Nov 2007 11.13am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: I love you and want to touch your beard

I am very hurt by your comments Richard and I am not sure quite how to take them. Are you saying it is over? Through time and a series of expensive counseling sessions, I may see my way through it. If you would be interested in perhaps attending some of these sessions together, I believe we may resolve our differences. Its the little things isn't it Dick, the little things that you found cute in the beginning of our relationship have become the catalyst for this anger. I can change Dick. I can change for you. I love you Dick.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Monday 12 Nov 2007 10.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: faggot!

you are a fucken idiot!!! I dont have time to read you stupid shit. What are you even wriing to me for ? I think you are doing it just to annoy me fuckhead


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 12 Nov 2007 10.51am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: faggot!

I confess. You have caught me out Dick, alternative motives may have included 'using dick as entertainment', 'playing with dick' or even 'lets get dick heated ' but your super sleuth detective skills have once again outwitted me and centred in on the fundamental reason. Please find attached a cheque made out to you for a copy of your book 'Detective Dick's Deduction Dictionary'. I would also like to sign up to receive your monthly newsletter and please book me in for your course 'Deducing Dick'. If I use my credit card to purchase the full two half hour lessons will I receive the Sherlock Holmes style cap and curved wooden pipe at no added cost? I have my own magnifying glass. Sometimes I use it on ants. Not to cook them, just to warm them on cold days or get a little fire going for them.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Monday 12 Nov 2007 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: faggot!

Stop messaging me


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 12 Nov 2007 11.22am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: faggot!

ok

Hehehe han er faen meg ikke god han der.
Feilsøking for øl-problemer






Problem: Føttene er kalde og våte
Årsak: Glass blir holdt i feil vei
Tiltak: Snu glasset så den åpne enden peker mot taket.

Problem: Føttene er varme og våte.
Årsak: Dårlig blære-kontroll.
Tiltak: Stå ved siden av nærmeste hund, klag over dårlig dressur.

Problem: Øl er usedvanlig blast og smakløst.
Årsak: Tomt glass.
Tiltak: Få noen til å kjøpe en ny øl til deg.

Problem: Motsatt vegg er dekket med fargerikt lys.
Årsak: Du har falt bakover.
Tiltak: Bind deg selv til baren.

Problem: Sigarett-sneipen inne i munnen.
Årsak: Du har falt forover.
Tiltak: Bind deg selv til baren.

Problem: Øl er smakløst og du er våt foran på t-skjorta.
Årsak: Munnen ikke åpnet, eller glasset brukt på feil del av ansiktet.
Tiltak: Finn et speil og øv deg.

Problem: Gulvet er uklart og ujevnt.
Årsak: Du ser igjennom et tomt glass.
Tiltak: Få noen til å kjøpe en ny øl til deg.

Problem: Gulvet beveger seg.
Årsak: Noen bærer deg ut.
Tiltak: Finn ut om du blir tatt med til en annen bar.

Problem: Rommet ser unormalt mørkt ut.
Årsak: Baren har stengt.
Tiltak: Få adressen hjem av bartender.

Problem: Taxien får plutselig fargerikt stoff på setene.
Årsak: Konsumet av øl har oversteget personlig grense.
Tiltak: Dekk over munnen.

Problem: Alle ser opp på deg og smiler.
Årsak: Du danser på bordet.
Tiltak: Dett ned på noen som ser myke ut.

Problem: Ølet er krystallklart.
Årsak: Det er vann! Noen prøver å få deg edru.
Tiltak: Gi ham juling.

Problem: Nevene verker. Nesen verker. Hele deg verker.
Årsak: Du har sloss.
Tiltak: Si unnskyld til alle du ser, i tilfelle det var dem.

Problem: Du kjenner ikke igjen noen folk og du kjenner deg ikke igjen i rommet du er i.
Årsak: Du har gått på feil fest.
Tiltak: Se om de har gratis øl.

Problem: Sangstemmen din høres fæl ut.
Årsak: Ølet er svakt.
Tiltak: Drikk mere øl til den høres bedre ut.

Problem: Husker ikke sangteksten.
Årsak: Ølet er akkurat passe sterkt.
Tiltak: Spill luftgitar.

Problem: Veggene står veldig tett og du ser stjerner.
Årsak: Noen har kastet deg ut i smuget.
Tiltak: Krabb bort til fortauet og legg deg til å sove.

Problem: Ølflaska klirrer ikke når du tar den ut av kassen.
Årsak: Siste ølflaske.
Tiltak: Løp og kjøp mere øl.

Problem: Politiet ber deg komme ut av bilen, du klarer ikke.
Årsak: For mye øl.
Tiltak: Løp! Løp av gårde.
Advarsel: Løp fort.

Lille Per går sitt första år i lågstadiet och har en ruggigt snygg syster som går i 9:an. En dag skulle Per ta sig en dusch och syrran kom ut ur duschen med handduken omsvept runt sig.
- Syrran,du kan väl ta av dig handduken.
- Nämen Per! Vad är det du säger. Du har väl sett mig naken förut.
- Snälla, snälla, snälla.
Efter mycket tjat:
- Okey då.
Syrran tog av sig handduken och visade upp sig i hela sin härlighet. Per såg först mycket nervös ut, men drog efter ett tag en lättnadens suck och sa:
- Puuhhh. Roger i min klass, sa till mig att du hade fått kuk i helgen!

Hennes versjon av kvelden:
Han var veldig rar i går kveld. Vi hadde avtalt å treffes på en cafe og ta
et glass vin eller noe. Jeg trodde det var min skyld fordi jeg hadde vært
ute og handlet med jentene og glemte tiden, og derfor ble litt forsinket.
Men han sa ikke noe om det. Vi fant ikke tonen. Han var fjern og taus, så
jeg tenkte det kanskje var bedre hvis vi dro et sted der vi kunne være litt
for oss selv. Vi dro på en veldig romantisk restaurant. Men fortsatt var
han rar. Jeg prøvde å være blid, men fryktet at det var noe alvorlig som
holdt på å skje. Jeg spurte ham, men han påstod at det ikke var noe galt.
Men jeg var ikke sikker. På veien hjem fortalte jeg han at jeg elsket ham
over alt på jord (i tilfelle han kanskje ikke var sikker). Han tok armen
rundt meg, men svarte ikke. Jeg ble ganske frustrert, for jeg hadde jo
håpet at han ville si det samme tilbake! Endelig var vi hjemme og jeg
begynte å lure på om han vurderte å gjøre det slutt! Jeg prøvde å få ham til
å snakke, men han bare skrudde på tv´n. Da ga jeg opp og gikk og la meg.
Utrolig nok kom han etter, etter ca 20 minutter. Vi l å sammen, men han
virket fortsatt fjern! Jeg hadde lyst til å bli rasende! Men i stedet gråt
jeg meg stille i søvn. Jeg aner ikke hva jeg skal gjøre. Jeg har mine sterke
mistanker om at han har funnet seg en annen!

Hans versjon av kvelden:
Jeg kantkjørte en felg... Fikk heldigvis pult!!

En blondine ringer til sin kjæreste og sier:
"Kan du komme over til meg fordi jeg trenger hjelp til et stort puslespill"

Kjæresten:
"Hva skal det forestille når det blir ferdig da?"

Blondinen:
"I følge bilde på esken så skal det bli en høne"

Kjæresten bestemmer seg så for å gå over for å hjelpe henne. Hun
slipper ham inn og viser han alle puslespillbrikkene på bordet.

Han titter på brikkene en stund. Så titter han på esken.
Og så sier han: "For det første, det spiller ingen rolle hva vi gjør.
Vi kommer aldri til å klare å sette bitene sammen til noe som ligner
på en høne."

Han tar så hennes hånd og fortsetter:
"Nå tar vi en kopp kaffe og etterpå......." Han sukker dypt. ".....
etterpå legger vi tilbake alle Corn Flakes flakene i esken igjen."

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.

. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.

. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.

. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.

. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”

Hva blir 10 ganger større...?



En sjetteklasselærer, fru Haugen, spurte klassen sin: "Hvilken menneskelig kroppsdel blir 10 ganger større enn sin opprinnelige størrelse når den blir stimulert?"



Ingen i klassen svarte, inntil Mari reiste seg opp, ganske sinna, og sa, "du skal vel ikke spørre 6-klassinger sånne slags spørsmål! Jeg skal sladre til foreldrene mine, og de kommer til å snakke med rektor og da får du sparken!" Så satte hun seg ned igjen.




Læreren ignorerte henne og spurte klassen igjen det samme spørsmålet: "Hvilken del på kroppen blir 10 ganger større enn sin egen størrelse når den blir stimulert?" Lille Mari fikk hakeslepp og sa til sine klassekamerater, "HERREGUD! Hun kommer til å få store problemer altså, bare vent!" Læreren fortsatte å ignorere Mari og henvendte seg til resten av

klassen: "Hallo, er det noen i det hele tatt som vet dette?"




Endelig reiste Jørgen seg opp og så rundt seg, ganske nervøst, han sa: "Den kroppsdelen som blir 10 ganger større enn sin egen størrelse når den blir stimulert, er pupillen i øyet".




Fru Haugen sa: "Veldig bra, Jørgen". Så snudde hun seg til Mari og

fortsatte: "Når det gjelder deg, unge dame, har jeg tre ting jeg ønsker å

si:





1. Du har en skitten fantasi





2. Du har ikke lest på leksene til i dag





3. En dag kommer du til å bli VELDIG skuffet....!!!

En mor hadde tre døtre som giftet seg på samme dag, og hun ba dem alle
om å skrive hjem til henne og fortelle om sexlivet sitt.

Den eldste skrev hjem bare to dager etter bryllupet. Brevet inneholdt
ett eneste ord, 'Nescafé'. Moren var først forvirret, men så fikk hun
øye på en reklame for Nescafé i avisen der slagordet lød,
'Tilfredsstiller til siste dråpe'.

Så kom brevet fra den mellomste datteren, også her med en kort
melding; 'Benson & Hedges'. Moren fant frem en reklame for Benson &
Hedges sigaretter, der det sto, 'Ekstra lang, king size'.

Først fire uker etter bryllupet kom brevet fra den yngste datteren.
Budskapet lød kort og godt, 'Widerøe'. Moren undret seg, søkte gjennom
alle avisene og fant omsider en annonse for Widerøe, med en
reklametekst som fikk henne til å dåne; 'Tre ganger om dagen, syv
ganger i uken, begge veier!


Now That's Funny - I don't Care Who You Are

Så en video se score på slutten
Video

måtte bare ha med den her ØPå en av Sydney's radiostasjoner i Australia kan man ringe inn og fortelle
om sine mest flaue historier.
Man kan vinne mellom 1000-5000 $. Denne historien innbragte $ 5000:
Hos gynekologen
Jeg hadde time hos gynekologen litt uti uka for å få tatt den årlige
celleprøven.
Tidlig en morgen ringte de fra legens kontor for å fortelle at de hadde fått
en avbestilling, og at jeg kunne komme inn tidligere, - faktisk samme morgen
kl 09.30.
Jeg hadde akkurat fått alle i vei til skole og jobb, og klokka var allerede
blitt kvart på 9.
Det ville ta minst 35 min å kjøre til legen, så jeg hadde litt hastverk.
Som de fleste kvinner ville jeg bruke noen minutter ekstra på
underlivshygiene før et besøk hos gynekologen, men denne gangen var det
ganske enkelt ikke tid for en grundig rengjøring.
Jeg tok derfor bare en vaskeklut som tilfeldigvis lå ved servanten på badet
og vasket meg litt raskt 'der nede', slik at jeg iallfall så presentabel ut.
Da jeg var ferdig, kastet jeg vaskekluten i skittentøykurven, slengte på meg
klærne, hoppet inn i bilen og kjørte i ilfart til undersøkelsen.
Jeg måtte bare vente et par minutter før det var min tur til å gå inn til
legen.
Da jeg, som alle kvinner, hadde vært gjennom denne prosedyren flere ganger i
livet, hoppet jeg vant opp på undersøkelsesbenken, tittet opp i taket og
innbilte meg at jeg befant meg i Paris eller et annet sted laaaangt borte.
Legen kom inn, og jeg må jo si at jeg ble litt forbauset da han sa:
" Oi da, i dag har vi virkelig anstrengt oss!"
Jeg svarte ikke og sukket av lettelse da undersøkelsen var over for denne
gangen.
Resten av dagen gikk som vanlig med vasking, innkjøp og matlaging.
Da skolen var slutt og min 6-årige datter lekte for seg selv, ropte hun fra
badet:
"Mamma, hvor er vaskekluten min?".
Jeg sa til henne at hun kunne ta seg en ny fordi den gamle skulle vaskes.
Hun svarte: "Nei, mamma,- jeg må ha akkurat den som lå på servanten.
Jeg hadde jo pakket inn alt glitteret mitt i den!!!

MISFORSTÅELSER......

Terje og Berit kunne ikke få barn så de bestemte seg for å skaffe seg en donor for å få til en familieforøkelse.
Dagen som 'donoren' skulle komme på besøk, kysset Terje sin kone når han skulle dra på jobb og sa: 'ja ja kjære, nå drar jeg på jobb, mannen kommer sikkert snart.'

En halvtime seinere.....

En barnefotograf er tilfeldigvis i boligstrøket hennes på jakt etter oppdrag. Han ringer på i håp om å få napp.

'God dag frue, sa han, jeg har kommet for å....'

'Å, du trenger ikke å forklare' sa Berit flau, 'jeg har ventet på deg.'

'Virkelig'?, sa fotografen. Det er jo kjekt det. Visste du at barn er min spesialitet??'

'Ja, det var jo akkurat det vi i ekteskapet var ute etter. Vær så god og kom inn og finn deg et sted å sitte'.

Etter liten stund sa hun litt sjenert: 'Hvor skal vi starte?'

'La meg bare ordne alt. Jeg starter vanligvis i badekaret, deretter på sofaen og til slutt i senga. Av og til er faktisk stuegulvet det beste, der er det mulig å tøye og strekke seg litt'

Badekaret, stuegulvet, tenkte Berit, Ikke noe rart at vi ikke fikk dette til...

'Ja, kjære frue, jeg kan ikke love fullkommet resultat for hver gang, men hvis vi bruker forskjellige stillinger og jeg skyter fra forskjellige synsvinkler, da tør jeg garantere at du blir fornøyd med resultatet.'

'Oh, det er ikke noe småtteri dette' sa Berit stønnende.

'Kjære frue, i min jobb må man gi seg god tid til arbeidet. Jeg skulle gjerne ha gjort det kjapt, men jeg er sikker på at du ikke hadde vært like fornøyd med resultatet'.

'Tenk, jeg kjenner godt til det', mumlet Berit lavt.

Fotografen dro opp noen eksemplar av barnebilder som han har tatt tidligere og viste resultatet til Berit.

'Jeg lyktes spesielt godt med disse tvillingene' sa fotografen, 'sånn som deres mor var vanskelig'.

'Var hun vanskelig, spurte Berit ?'

'Det kan du være sikker på. Jeg måtte ta henne med til Slottsparken for å kunne avslutte skikkelig. Folk stimet til og så på'.

'Så på'? Sa Berit og gapte av forundring'

'Og dette tok totalt 3 timer. Moren ropte og skreik hele tiden - jeg klarte nesten ikke å konsentrere meg, så når det begynte å mørkne om ettermiddagen måtte jeg øke tempoet, men det var ikke før ekornene var begynt å gnage på utstyret at jeg måtte avslutte og rydde opp og dra'.

Berit lente seg fram og sa: 'hadde de virkelig begynt å gnage på...... utstyret?

'Dette er heilt sant min frue'.

'Ja ja, hvis du er klar, så skal jeg gjøre stativet klart' sa fotografen

'Stativet'??? Sa Berit og gapte...

'Å ja, kjære frue. Jeg er nødt til å bruke stativ til å sette min Canon på , den er altfor stor å holde lenge i hendene.

Da besvimte Berit.....